


Unnatural Disasters

by M_Bow, Miss_cellaneous



Series: Spies are Dumbasses [2]
Category: Spies Are Forever - Talkfine/Tin Can Brothers
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, mentions of nazis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:28:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26224189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_Bow/pseuds/M_Bow, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_cellaneous/pseuds/Miss_cellaneous
Summary: After arriving in Antarctica, our favourite spies learn some unsettling news from a familiar face.This is a continuation of the Spies Are Dumbasses series, you don't have to read that series first, but we recommend that you do. Enjoy :)
Relationships: Agent Curt Mega & Tatiana Slozhno, Owen Carvour/Agent Curt Mega, Tatiana Slozhno/OC
Series: Spies are Dumbasses [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1690123
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	1. Turning Over a New Leaf

“Sir, sie brauchen-”  
“English. We are having guests.”  
The nurse looked confused but complied nonetheless.  
“You need to rest, sir.”  
That was probably true. The former ‘Baron von Nazi’ was hunched forwards and unsteady on his feet, His left arm was in a sling, rendered useless by some sort of nerve damage the doctors had described.  
“And that I do, Ida.” He gave the sentry a tired smile. “But I must meet our guests.”

Owen and Tatiana wanted answers and they looked willing to fight for them. Curt didn’t know how. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast at his mom’s and his stomach was crying out in protest. He wasn’t fighting anyone anytime soon. 

The sub had gone through a massive metal door that must have been as thick as Tatiana was tall. The gang found themselves standing in some kind of big hangar.  
There were no windows, the place was lit by large fluorescent lights overhead. It was filled with vehicles that looked rather high tech, similar to the sub. People milled about everywhere, and they all wore uniforms with the same insignia. The one that was on their vehicles and their flags.  
Not a swastika though. It had looked like one, but as Curt squinted at a man's shoulder for a closer inspection, he realised it was in fact a black cross. The man gave him a strange look, before moving away so Curt could no longer scrutinize his shoulder.  
Curt sighed in relief.

“It’s ok, guys!” He called to Owen and Tatiana, who were staring around in awe. “They aren’t the-”  
“Mr Mega!” called a familiar voice. “We meet again!”  
“Aw shit.” Curt mumbled.  
“You were saying?” Tatiana deadpanned.

Standing atop a balcony halfway up the wall stood the owner of the welcoming. It was him. The man, the myth, the legend, Baron von Nazi. Curt felt a little embarrassed he had been afraid of the man. He had one arm up in a sling and the other one hung limply by his side. He was pale and had dark circles under his eyes. It was pitiful, nothing near the fabulous, terrifying entity that Curt had remembered. He turned to the others chuckling.  
“Why were we ever scared of this guy, am I right?”

Owen put his face in his hands as Curt blatantly insulted the man in charge, while some of the tougher looking people in the hangar started gathering around them. Tatiana slid her finger across her throat in a gesture for him to stop. They both were familiar with von Nazi. They knew his capabilities were far beyond his appearance suggested. They both also knew Curt was an idiot. A loveable one, but bound to get himself in trouble. They both grimaced in anticipation. Curt kept blabbering and a large woman lifted her hand, the size of a dinner plate to smack him.

“Nein.” Baron von Nazi said gently to the woman.  
“Nine what?” Laughed Curt. “Times you’d have to hit me before I feel something?”  
Owen was certain he wouldn’t be feeling anything anytime soon as the woman went to punch him.  
“Gerta.” Said von Nazi, reaching out with his good arm and lowering the womans fist. He turned his attention to Curt.  
“Mr Mega, please.” Curt smiled smugly, thinking that he had won.  
“There should be an ‘agent’ in there somewhere.” he said proudly. Von Nazi responded with a slight raise of the eyebrow and a triumphant little smirk.  
“No, I don’t think so.”

Elaine stepped forwards to address the Baron, and Tatiana’s eyes widened a bit in disbelief. Scratch that, they narrowed again in betrayal. “Victor don’t you think that-”  
“Shush!” Victor waved his free hand around in a frustrated gesture. “I give the orders around here Herrmann, not you!”  
Frowning Elaine retreated behind Curt, who blinked in confusion.  
“Now!” Baron von Nazi smiled. “As our guests, I hope you all will join me for a meal, I shall explain everything over a little something prepared by my many esteemed chefs.”  
Curt glanced at Owen with his stubborn little ‘I’m not moving’ face, but a nudge in the back with the cold barrel of some form of automatic weapon (those things had barely been manufactured, how did almost everyone here have one?!?) spurred him forwards with a tiny whimper. Curt quickly tried to stifle himself for the sake of his dignity- he was a spy, goddammit! But he felt Owen’s little finger brush against his own, seeking some form of support. Curt looked over, catching a similar expression on Tatiana’s face, and immediately felt better.

“Sorry about Victor, he can be kind of a jerk about his authority,” Elaine whispered to Tatiana as they marched down the hallway. Elaine was technically also supposed to be part of the marching party, but instead she matched pace with the group she’d been ordered to tail - okay, yes, stalk - and try to win their affections. Why was she trying to befriend them? Tatiana didn’t know. Maybe she was just sick of getting ordered around all of the time. Tatiana’s brow furrowed and she leant closer so as not to be heard by any of the stone-faced guards around them. “Why do you call him Victor?”  
Elaine pulled her thoughts away from the faint scent of cherries that wafted from Tatiana’s well-worn sweater. “Well that’s his name,” Elaine blinked up at the tall spy.  
“Um, no, I thought it was Dr Baron Von Nazi.” 

Elaine chuckled, and then began full-on belly laughing. After a moment she caught her breath.  
“You thought his name was what?” There were tears of mirth in her eyes. Tatiana felt a little embarrassed, almost feeling bad for all the times she’d mocked Curt’s dumbass-ery. Almost.  
“You think that he was born and his parents said; ‘You know what? Baron von Nazi!’”  
“Well, no...” Tatiana muttered, now feeling quite stupid. Elaine noticed this.  
“Hey, don’t feel bad.” She patted Tatiana's shoulder, though it was a reach for her and looked almost comical. “All in good fun. His name is Victor. Most people call him sir. I don’t think he really goes by Dr Baron von Nazi. There’s a whole story behind that but I’m not really clear on it.” She shrugged before musing; “I think he does have a doctorate in something…” They walked in silence.

Owen, Tatiana, Curt and Elaine followed the doctor- sorry, Victor, down a long metal hallway. They passed a reinforced plastic window, outside of which all they could see was a flurry of snow. Curt involuntarily shivered, despite being in a heated facility. Eventually the hallway opened into a large, dome shaped room. (‘Wow, original, for a villain lair’ Curt thought)  
“My friends!” The Doctor began as Curt, Owen and Tatiana were unceremoniously dumped into chairs along the sides of the table. The Doctor, of course, sat at the head, and Elaine stood a little behind his chair, while the rest of the guards (Curt didn’t know if they were actually guards or just soldiers, but the fancy uniforms and, y’know, guarding the Doctor suggested their occupation) dispersed to the outside of the room, essentially circling them.

“We’re not your friends.”  
He ignored the comment.  
“I have gathered you here because you are some of the best spies in the world.”  
Curt smiled. Finally someone realized his worth.  
“That is why I have brought the two of you here. Mr Mega was not expected, but we will do our best to make him feel welcome.”  
Curt went red, embarrassed and infuriated. He leapt up, pointing an accusing finger.  
“Well you guys are the Nazis! You’re evil.” Curt folded his arms triumphantly. This led to an exasperated sigh. “I have been over this so many times, there is no such thing as good and evil Mr Mega, the Nazis are not so bad. I have a song and choreographed dance prepared, but unfortunately we do not have the time. Also, I am currently in no fit state for such frivolity. To spare the awkwardness, call me Victor. After our little adventure a few months ago, I think we’re at that stage.”

It was at this point that Tatiana leapt up, knocking her chair backwards with a loud clatter. “Why should we listen to the likes of you!?” She demanded, seemingly unaware or unfazed of the twenty cocked weapons that were now trained on her. Elaine, eyes stormy, layed a warning hand on Tatiana’s arm, the taller woman shaking her off. Victor waved his hand and the soldiers stood down, presenting arms. 

“If you take the time and listen, I will explain myself. First of all, we are not evil. I understand how you could fall under this impression. The…” He mumbled a word that may have been holocaust. “But that’s not us! We don’t do that kind of thing! We aren’t even really Nazis at all.” There was a silence. “We aren’t discriminatory to other races or women or anything like that anymore. You think us evil but we’re far better than your American government.”  
“Oh really?” Curt said, rather sarcastically.

“The Nazis based a lot of models on the American system. They were fascinated with the Supreme Court decisions that withheld full rights of citizenship from nonwhite subjects in the United States colonial territories. How members of other races were oppressed and silenced, despite the pretence of ‘equal citizenship for all.’”  
Victor stood up, his eyes boiling with a strange king of fury.  
“Our fathers and mothers, working in the Third Reich, the one you find to be so evil, decided that the American way was too harsh and cruel for even them to undertake! You praise your ‘Land of the Free’, ignorant of the fact that our gas chambers were partially inspired by the gasoline baths America had on the Mexican border! You people have no idea of evil, because the crimes that your country commits you keep hidden from the world! You are murderers, rapists, liars and thieves. You are no better than the Nazis, and you never have been!”

Victor sat down a little shakily. His short rant seemed to have tired him out.  
“So in short,” He said softly. “I need you to help me stop a man in your government before he destroys the world.”  
The trio were still processing what he had said earlier so the words ‘destroys the world’ didn’t register to them for a few seconds. They just sat there, blinking. One of the guards cleared their throat quietly.  
“Wait, WHAT?!” Curt was on his feet before the other two. “Did you say destroy the world!?” Victor winced as the three spies all started yelling at once. He slowly rose and began to exit the room.  
“Hey, wait!” Curt yelled. There was one thing he had to know. “What about gay rights?”  
Victor gave him a knowing smile.  
“We’re a changed organization, Mr Mega, you’ll be fine.”  
And with that he left.

Elaine cleared her throat, drawing the attention of the now quiet spies. Curt noticed that while they’d been bombarding Victor, a large file had been placed in front of Elaine who was now opening it. “Unfortunately, that’s not all,” She pulled out a couple of grainy photographs stapled to a piece of paper with Tatiana’s name. Curt squinted, although he could make Tatiana out in the photos, she was never the main subject. The focus was more on a shadowy figure, face obscured by a wide-brimmed hat. Elaine flicked through two more sheets labelled ‘Curt’ and ‘Owen’. A couple more photos fell out, all containing the same mysterious figure. Curt snorted, tapping the shadow’s face. “That you?” He asked Elaine. She raised an eyebrow before sighing and slamming the binder shut.  
“No, Curt. That is not me.”

Tatiana and Owen exchanged a worried glance while Curt looked around. Anxiety setting in his stomach, he spoke his mind. “So then… if it’s not you, I mean, who is it?”  
Elaine fixed him with a steely stare. “That is the question Curt. We don’t know the identity of your stalker, whom I promise is less friendly than me.”  
Owen snorted and the blonde glared at him.  
“What we do know is that this man was sent by your former employer,” She directed at Curt.  
“Cynthia?”  
“The CIA, Curt. Our sources haven’t been able to link him to any one person within the agency. But we have strong reason to believe he has been sent to kill the three of you.”  
Tatiana, who had previously been uncharacteristically quiet, frowned over at Elaine. “Like an assassin?”  
Elaine tilted her head, her expression darkening. “Exactly. The point is, we brought you out of this assassin’s immediate sights in the U.S.A, but you cannot stay here long. We fear he draws close, and… let’s just say his discovery of our facility here would reach certain ears we’d rather it didn’t.”

“So that’s it then, your main goal is to keep your secret base a secret,” Owen began. “Then why bring us here in the first place?”  
“It’s like I said,” Elaine sighed. “Your safety is of even greater priority to us.”  
“What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?!” Curt exclaimed, the only thing stopping him from leaping out of his chair was Owen’s hand resting lightly on his forearm.  
“Look, we need to get out of here!” Elaine said. Tatiana turned to face the now frustrated blonde. “When did this become a ‘we’?” Tatiana glared at her. “You’re not our friend, you’re our kidnapper who is now trying to boss us around.”  
Elaine frowned, leaning away from the Russian’s outburst. Eventually Elaine spoke again.  
“I’m not asking you to like me,” she spoke to the group but her eyes stayed trained on Tatiana. “I’m just asking you to trust me.”

A loud buzzer sounded and the door swung open, a uniformed officer nodding at Elaine.  
“Come on.” She herded the spies out the door and down a long corridor that started sloping downwards. Curt shared a furtive glance with Tatiana before discreetly taking Owen’s hand in his own. Owen squeezed it for some semblance of comfort as they descended down into darkness.


	2. I know that I can't make you stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, this is just a quick bonus chapter since the next one is taking so long (sorry btw!)  
> I've been really busy with the show I'm in, but I managed to get this out so hope y'all enjoy this until we can get the next proper chapter!

The mini sub rocked back and forth. Curt’s breath was trembling, but not because of the choppy sea. A small porthole showed him a glimpse of the churning depths of an underwater storm outside, and a low hum echoed around the vehicle. He felt as if a million soldiers were marching around in his head, creating a fast-paced and slightly nauseating beat that his heart was sporadically jumping ahead of. His nerves were only slightly quelled by Tatiana’s head in his lap, as she was draped across him as much as she could be in the cramped bunk room. 

There were three miniscule sections of the sub, and they were in the middle compartment. The walls were metal, and two sofas (nailed to the walls in case Elaine wanted to do some barrel rolls - oh no) were doubling as beds. Through the arch to Curt’s left, was a tiny cubicle with a door that had what was supposed to be a toilet in it. The hole dropped, and instead of a flush chain there was a button that dropped your business into an airlock, and then into the ocean. Tatiana had raised some issues about the pollution this would cause the ocean, but Elaine assured him that whatever came out of them would be purified by the acidic currents this deep.

Through the metal arch to Curt’s right was the control room, where Elaine was piloting them using some sonar-technology that Curt had never heard of in his entire time working at the CIA. Elaine had explained that they couldn’t use lights as it would disturb the deep sea life, casting an almost-reassuring smile at Tatiana who folded her arms, pretending to be unimpressed. In reality, none of the spies had ever seen that kind of technology, and Curt had thought that it was interesting how it was the Nazis who were ahead of the rest of the world technologically. “Who knew the Nazis cared so much about animals!?” He’d exclaimed before getting a glare from Elaine. “Right, sorry, the Germans. I forgot.”  
“We are not Nazis. We used some of their technology and built from there, but don’t associate us with them. Victor is the only one of us who was part of that party. The rest of us were fugitives.” Her voice hiccuped on the last sentence and she sharply turned away, fists clenched.

Curt hadn’t talked to her since. As a matter of fact nobody had. She was currently piloting in silence while Curt, Owen and Tatiana sat quietly in the bunk room. Tatiana had fallen asleep on her best friend, and Curt was gazing sort of dissociated-ly at Owen. Curt tried to silently calm his nerves, deciding that now was the time. He gently woke Tatiana. “Hey,” He said gently, having remembered her tiny frown of concern when Elaine’s wall of mystery had fractured. “Do you want to go check on Elaine?”  
Tatiana blinked wearily. When she had been working for the KGB, she’d never gotten a proper night's sleep, and always woke abruptly, but in the comfort of Curt and Owen she was finally teaching herself normal sleep patterns, and to wake up leisurely. It was still tricky, but it gave her a warm feeling to be able to trust these two. She sat up, remembering what had happened with Elaine.

“Of course, right! Yes.” Tatiana headed through the only source of privacy in the sub - a dark green curtain hung between the bunks and the control room. Curt loved his best friend, but he was glad she had left so he could do this.

“Um, hey Owen?”  
“Yeah?” Owen glanced over from where he’d been zoned out thinking.  
Curt chuckled nervously. It wasn’t that anything was particularly funny, but he always laughed when he was scared. Not that he was ever scared. Of anything. Curt’s hand fidgeted in his back pocket, toying with the ring he’d bought at Singolli’s. That felt like a lifetime ago.  
“What is it?” Owen’s brow furrowed somewhat, concerned with Curt’s silence. “Are you worried? Because you know we’re all worried but I really believe that going with Elaine is the best thing to do-”  
“No no, I’m not worried.”  
Owen blinked at Curt, disbelieving, and reached across to rest his hand on top of the American’s. Curt took a deep breath.  
“Everything’s fine.” He said.

Owen’s hand stayed on top of Curt’s. “Well then… what is it?”  
Curt reached out to clasp Owen’s other hand so that he was holding both of them.  
“I was just thinking. Did we ever, y’know, talk about us? I mean sit down and have a conversation? About what we are?”  
Owen’s expression softened and he tucked a loose strand of hair behind Curt’s ear.  
“We haven’t really had the opportunity.”  
Curt worried his lip between his teeth. “I mean, what would you like to be?” He asked carefully. Owen thought for a minute before responding with a tiny smile.

“Boyfriends?” Owen tried out the word, a delighted expression gracing his face as he said it. He hesitated, cheeks darkening. “I mean, what would you want to be?” He added.  
Curt looked at the ground sending a quick mental prayer to his mother. His mother that thought he was with Tatiana. That mother. He didn’t know who to pray to, so defaulted to his mom. He was getting distracted. He was probably pausing for too long. Why was he overthinking this, it’ll probably be fine! But whAt iF It iSn’T?!? Shut up, brain, you never talk to me, why now? Curt shook himself out of his thoughts and slowly looked up, meeting Owen’s confused gaze.  
“W-”

Suddenly the curtain was ripped down and Tatiana burst in, tripping over the fabric with all the grace of Curt the first time he’d tried to walk up to Owen on a mission they both were on. “Shit!” She cursed, untangling her feet from the heavy green fabric. She stood clearing her throat and offering the boys a slightly-pained smile. Now Curt loved Tatiana. She was his best friend! But she had sUCH BAD TIMING. He had to restrain himself from being angry at her because he didn’t want to lose one of his few friends.  
“What is it?” Owen asked in a much calmer voice than Curt would’ve been able to muster. Tatiana, who had been dusting off her pants, nodded and blew some loose hair out of her face. “We’re here.”


End file.
